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Non Aadmi Party
By the people, for the people, of the internet.
The time is ripe
for a change in the way our great country is governed. The time is apt
for the citizens to get what they deserve. If real intelligence has been
failed to be intelligent, it is time for artificial intelligence to
take over.
Your next Prime Minister hasn’t ever served chAI,
hasn’t ever sheltered underworld ke bhAI, hasn’t ever dissed movies by
Subhash GhAI. Your next Prime Minister is not an aadmi, it is a
cloud-based, omnipotent and omnipresent AI engine. It’s motherly, homely
and an intelligent candidate. We call it AAI.
Here’s introducing Non Aadmi Party and
it’s motherly, homely and intelligent candidate--AAI.
It’s
transparent, it’s open, it’s omnipresent. It’s not your friend, it’s
not your enemy. It’s you. PM AAI is such a beacon of intelligence that
it knows you better than you know yourself. It understands your needs,
your desires, your aspirations. PM AAI will fix open manholes even
before children fall into them, PM AAI will provide jobs even before
youngsters finish their education.
The Non Aadmi Party is a
political startup. Startups have successfully changed the way we run
businesses; Non Aadmi Party will successfully change the way governments
are run.
Here is why you should choose Non Aadmi Party and AAI, the artificial
intelligence PM, in the upcoming elections.
Traditional political parties don’t disclose their funding sources, but being a political startup, it will probably be the only thing that Non Aadmi Party talks about. Get used to newspaper headlines like, “Non Aadmi Party Raises $100 million in Series A Funding” or “Multiple VCs Lead New Funding Round in NAP.” We’ll talk about funding even when we are not receiving any funding but want to stay in the news. We will be open to talking about our funding sources, but please don’t ask us how and where we are spending the money. Much like traditional parties, we also won’t know but we definitely will be the world’s first unicorn government.
Startups have cool names, why shouldn’t our cities have that too? Since there are so many breweries in Bangalore, we’ll rename it to Brewgalore. Mumbai and Chennai, of course, will become Mumb.ai and Chenn.ai. Unconfirmed sources have told us that there are numerous Dell outlets in Delhi, which is why we’ll rename it to DellKart. After this, we’ll just start skipping vowels, replacing i’s with y’s, etc. to better startup-ize our cities. Expect Hydrbd, Ahmdvd, Pn, Jypor, and Gandyngrrr.
It is rather dull to call someone the ‘Minister of Human Resource Development’; we’ll call this post the Head of People Ops. The ‘Minister of Social Justice and Empowerment’ title doesn’t adequately reflect our culture, so it’ll be replaced by Chief Social Media Influencer. The guy heading the Ministry of Consumer Affairs, Food and Public will be naturally be called our company’s Growth Hacker, and the Minister of Defence will henceforth be Chief Defence Ninja.
Open offices have been the startup world's contribution to modernizing the way we work. The Non Aadmi Party offices will also be open offices. Any citizen can walk into any of our offices at any point in time. You can participate in the discussions party workers and government officials are having. And if by chance you find anyone taking a nap in a government office, take a nap with them.
Wow! Literally, wow! Has any government ever given you money to pay money? We will. Every time your company deducts TDS or professional tax from your salary, Non Aadmi Party will deposit cashback directly into a wallet of your choice. Cash has gone but cash came back also! The party will also report income tax collections as Gross Merchandise Value and aim to achieve hockeystick growth.
In our opinion, Parliament House has been waiting for a startup to occupy it. Perhaps this is why they already sport an open office layout. To add to this, the Parliament under the Non Aadmi Party will sport a completely new look. It will only have bean bags, but members will show appreciation not by banging on tables but by upvoting Non Aadmi Party on Product Hunt. Every LS and RS session will be planned in fortnightly sprints, the sessions will be streamed on the party’s own channel called NAPflix and of course, the Parliament will have ping pong and foosball tables to allow our ministers to stay fit and energized.
If you’d like to tell us what we’re doing, you can review us on Glassdoor! The Non Aadmi Party aims to be an open and transparent government, which is why there will be no need to open a Glassdoor account to look at all Glassdoor reviews -- they will be open for all. If, like startup founders and product managers, our ministers also reply to everything that Naval tweets, you can go ahead and give them negative reviews on Glassdoor.
With changing times, the traditional definitions of crime have also changed, and we’ve decided to update them. Calling yourself a “sapiosexual” and “only here for friends” on Tinder, or sending good morning messages on WhatsApp, or calling your blog “Random Musings”, or adding “Writer” to your Twitter bio should all be unlawful activities. And they will be. The Non Aadmi Party will ensure that such social crimes are recognized and penalized.
Clouds are amazing. Look at our party symbol if you have any doubts. We love clouds so much that we'll make them omnipresent in our skies. We'll get rid of firewalls and data centres and move all your data to the clouds. More clouds will also mean more rain for our farmers, and will also mean the citizens will be protected from harmful UV rays. Safety, security and kheti-badi, all in one.
Communication is important. A government should reach out to the citizens more often and hear what they have to say. Instead of a radio speech (which is hardly the way to reach Millenials), the Non Aadmi Party will host a Town Hall meeting every Sunday. Our honourable PM AAI will speak to the citizens of the country and take questions. For a short period of time, of course. And there will be pizza!
Startups in India have been affected by the infamous Angel Tax regulation, which imposes taxation on VC investments in unlisted companies. However, with our superior intelligence, we will out-general this regulation by allowing VC funding via electoral bonds. This will not only allow all investments to be tax-free, but also allow all donations to be completely anonymous!* * - In doing so, we expect we will be just the start of a long line of startups attempting to get into politics once everyone realizes its potential for tax-free investments. But this government has first mover advantage!
Older, dated government 5-year-plans will be replaced with the Non Aadmi Party’s own Startup Sprint Plan. Our new quarter planning scheme will be Vision 2025, and to help us achieve our goals, we shall define public OKRs for all senior government positions. As you would expect, their adherence to these OKRs will affect their appraisals during review cycles, determined via extensive anonymous peer review. Who needs NITI Aayog when you’ve got a national-level Scrum Master?
If there’s one thing the Non Aadmi Party is great at, it’s using technology to solve problems you never even knew existed. Non Aadmi Party will use established, robust methods of ensuring that the animals of this country are not just safe, but live forever! Get ready to look beyond CryptoCows, and move on to ROIRhinos, HODLHaathis, Royal Bengal TigerTokens, and of course, Blackbucks.
Finally, what kind of startup would we really be if we didn’t intend on someday going public? Get in on the craze now, as every member of the voting public who pledges their vote to NAP will be entitled to a percentage of ownership of the country. What’s that you say? How can a country be owned via stocks? Well, let’s just say that if war ever breaks out and territories of India have to be seceded acquired, you’re in for a huge buyback!
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